I’m not sure how to cope anymore

Me and my wife of 18 years split on Monday evening. And the last 5 days have been the worst of my life. I have posted in the divorce sub a few times and have had some good advice, but I just can't seem to take it. I understand time is the only way I am going to get over this, but that doesn't help me right now.

A bit of background. We was 16 when we first got together, school sweethearts. We got married five years later and now have 3 children, my daughter is 13 and we have 2 boys of 11 and 9. We have been married for 13 years.

I won't go into all the details of why we split as I have posted that in the divorce sub, but deep down in my heart I know it's for the right reasons.

It's just the pure sadness that I can't deal with. I feel like I have lost my life, I've had to move back in with my mother and I'm staying in a tiny box room without a bed or any furniture. I've lost my family, my home, my dog, my garden, and my workshop. I have a couple of bags of clothes and that's it.

We have split on good terms in some kind of way and seeing my children isn't going to be a problem. I took them out for dinner last night and I have them staying with me tomorrow for a sleepover.

I obviously miss my kids like mad but I have seen them a number of times this week, not for long but I have seen them, and also facetime them. It's more like I am grieving, for the life I have lost. My wife was my best friend and I could speak to her, but now I am going through the worst time in my life and I can't speak to her anymore.

She seems to be coping so much better, she has the kids to keep her occupied and also the home to keep. She also has a large family and circle of friends to support her, whereas I have my mum and brother and a couple of friends I can talk to.

Her coping better breaks my heart even more as I feel like she doesn't care about me, and the best part of the last two decades didn't mean much to her.

I broke down on Wednesday and Thursday morning at work and was sent home as I was in no state to operate my machine. Yesterday (Friday) I managed a full day but was on light duties, I had a counseling session booked for the late afternoon and I was taking the kids out to eat, so maybe because I had something I had to do and was looking forward to, I think I dealt with it better. But I was still terribly sad at times even though I was working and trying to keep busy.

Today is my first Saturday without waking up and watching TV with the kids while the wife potters about. Instead I woke up in the box room with no furniture and the second I opened my eyes, I thought of my wife and what has happened, and once again my heart sunk and hurt. This morning I was so so sad, but I managed not to break down and sob.

All I seem to do is pace around the living room or anywhere and smoke cigarette after cigarette. Constantly feeling sorry for myself and trying to think what I'm going to do. I went for a quick run. I'm seriously overweight, so couldn't last long. That took my mind off it a bit but soon as I was back I was sad again and couldn't escape my thoughts. I had to do some work on my car so that killed a couple of hours, but now I'm done I have nothing else to do, and I have no motivation or desire to do anything. I can't sit still and relax, I can't or don't want to do anything.

I have been on antidepressants for the last 3 years, I recently had my dosage upped as I was getting used to the dosage and felt myself getting depressed again.

There isn't any chance of me and my wife of getting back together, and I just can't seem to accept or deal with that. I feel like a constant weight is on my soul if that makes sense. I haven't been able to eat properly, although when I do I am eating healthy compared to what I would normally eat. I am drinking more water and nothing else really.

I can feel this sickness feeling in my gut, my heart is hurting, which I can actually feel, and my head won't stop thinking about the past memories, the family, the wife, all of it.

The room I'm in is where I grew up, where I had sex with my wife for the first time, where we practically lived for the first four years of our relationship. Just so many memories that I don't need to constantly remind me of what I have lost.

I'm so sorry for this long post, when I start talking or writing about it I can seem to stop. I have a small number of friends and family that have said I can call them, but I feel like I have talked so much that they must think, you just need to get on with it and time will heal.

The amount of times I've been told to take it day by day, hour by hour, take little steps, that's all well and good but it doesn't stop this feeling.

I've suffered from depression for a long time, but this is nothing like that. This sadness I have is nothing compared to my depression.

How do people cope? How can you honestly carry on, I just can't see a time when I won't feel like this.

I really need someone to talk to or message but when I message a friend it dies off after a little bit. They have their life to keep them occupied, but I'm staring at my phone waiting for a message. All I'm doing is waiting. Thinking and waiting, feeling sorry for myself, feeling jealousy of how my wife is coping, she is currently at her parents house for a huge family BBQ which I was also going to be going to before we went our separate ways.

Sorry again for this long post, I just can't stop once I get going. Thanks if you made it this far, if anyone is ever feeling like I am right now, I am so sorry you are going through this, I really am because I just can't find an answer to help.

I know what I have to, I have to look to the future, I have to be greatful I have a roof over my head. I have to be greatful that I can see my children. I have to find tasks to keep me occupied, to stop my brain thinking about every single little detail of what had happened, of what has been said. I know what I have to do but I can't do it!

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