I turned 20 a couple weeks ago.
I didn't hear from most of my friends. That's okay I don't really care much anyway.
A refrigerator fell on me at work. Instead of asking how I'm doing people tell me I should "leave the boy's job to the boys" and "work in paint or garden center" or I get asked "what are you doing, lifting heavy things anyway". Coworkers are telling me they don't need me around because I'm a girl.
Then all day every day in my classes I'm reading about the constant suppression of women and how bleak the very beginning until now was and I realize the sentiment never changed. I'll never be good enough.
And then every day I abandon the overloaded schoolwork to go to physical therapy or the doctor to check up on my injuries. Then every night I go to work knowing I didn't finish my schoolwork and I spend all night pulling products on the shelves forward because that's all I'll ever amount to in these people's eyes.
My ex texted for the first time in over a month to tell me about his sex life with his new girl and he told me he finally knows what a relationship is supposed to feel like, he isn't scared to be himself around her. Good for you man, sorry I couldn't be that for you. Thanks for boasting though.
And I am sleeping alone tonight, though I wish my boyfriend were here to hug me to sleep because the world is falling apart and my state is on fire and my country is aflame with toxic politics and I realize how inconsequential my life is. And tonight I remember why I felt so sad in high school, why I felt so worthless. I stopped growing up and I'm starting to retract into the shell of who I used to be.
Tonight is the night all of the trauma and pain reconsumes me and I am weak and won't fight it. I've been reminded of every assault and abuse and harassment, every finger laid on me, every threat and warning and scream. And again I have nobody to talk to. I'm alone with my thoughts tonight.
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