TW. So yesterday was baby loss awareness day, apparently.

I’m scrambled so excuse the lack of structure. This is a vent I suppose. TW for abortion, miscarriages, baby loss etc.

A few people on my Facebook were sharing things about baby loss awareness day. Hashtags, photos, their stories. I guess it triggered me.

I wasn’t trying for a baby. It was an accidental pregnancy. In absolute honesty, I’m pretty sure I was going to get an abortion (I’m not up to arguing the toss on that topic today thanks). Like 99% sure. But that choice was made for me, fairly quickly. I miscarried at about 8 weeks, we think. I ended up at the hospital, had my legs in the air and two nurses making sure everything was out of there, to prevent infection or whatever. I was pretty confident there wasn’t anything left. I saw my ‘baby’, and my god it did look like a baby. The shape, little black eyes, a pair of arms and even the bumps of little fingers starting to form. I hate to say that I just felt relief then. It was really painful, I was passing huge clots and felt so sick and feverish. As soon as it left my body, I started to feel better.

The next year after was difficult. I had therapy for a while. My partner wasn’t supportive. He didn’t understand why I was so upset if I was planning on getting rid anyway. I guess it is hard to understand. I don’t think I do, still. He used to get angry with me about it.

I wasn’t very healthy to myself. I’d wrap my teddy bear in a blanket and just pretend for a while. I’m doing that now. I’d wander round the baby clothes shops, pretending again. In a desperate time, not long after, I rang the hospital and asked if there’s anyway they could give me my scan photos. I had a scan early on, under the pretence of getting an abortion. The nurse turned the monitor away from me. I never saw my baby. But I thought, if I was scanned, they might have the photo on record and I could have it. I don’t know how it works, but I rang and asked them. It didn’t go anywhere. I don’t think I was making much sense. I kept seeing memory boxes made for grieving parents or cards from hospitals apologising for the mother’s loss. I kind of wanted one, but I never got anything like it. I guess I wasn’t deserving, given I was about to just get rid of it anyway. I suppose those sentimental things are for poor parents who really wanted their babies, and who tragically lost them. I suppose that wasn’t me.

I’m very alone. Nobody knows and I don’t think anybody should. It was two years ago. My partner knows, but like I said, he doesn’t get it. We argued this morning and he’s gone. I was going to just say ‘It was baby loss awareness day yesterday, apparently’ after we fought. But I’m frightened he’ll just get more angry and tell me it’s not excuse for my behaviour. I was a little nuts this morning. I broke some stuff.

A year ago I got myself a kitten. I have so much love to give and nowhere for it to go, so I thought I could spoil a cat. He was my little man, he was so affectionate and loving. I called him my baby all the time. I guess that wasn’t healthy. I just recently lost him to a disease called FIP. It’s rare, because of course it is. He was one. I buried him in the garden, got a little gravestone with a lovely passage on it. I miss him so much.

I’m sick of loss. I feel I have so much love to give. I can’t help but feel I’d be a better person if I had my child still. And I can’t help but wish I had my kitty still with me.

Thanks for listening.

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