Dissociation through the years


One of my symptoms is dissociation. I don't disassociate very often anymore, but large swathes of my childhood are blank. Huge gaps between memories, half memories and things that I'm sure I misremembered.

I only remember one birthday party from when I was a kid. It was (I believe) my 9th birthday, and it was at a hungry jacks. I got a t-shirt saying 'I'm a Hungry Jack's birthday kid' and I loved it. I remember getting a few stellar presents and gorging myself on icecream cake. From age 5 to about 25, I do not remember a single other birthday.

I remember the 1992 Olympics, loved watching the gymnastics and diving. And I loved the song. Cant really remember any others. I was a gymnast for quite a few years, won medals and was overall pretty good. I remember very little of competing, or even practicing.

I remember having my primary school teacher reading Roald Dahl to us in year 4, doing the voices and getting well into it. I think it must have been Mrs North who sparked my love of reading.

I remember Christmas 2000, only because I got my first mobile phone. Other Christmases kind of blur into one, the ones before my 30s.

I don't really remember much else. I have flashes and small memories, but not linear memories. Sometimes something will trigger a new memory, or a cascade of memories. It can suck sometimes, because not all memories are good.

I could never write a memoir, I wouldn't have the first clue where to start. My dissociation started young – Around 4 to 5 years old I think. I was sexually abused at around that age by a family member and I only remember moments and flashes of what was done to me.

I have always struggled with short and long term memory, to the detriment of some personal relationships. I use the calendar on my phone for everything. Even to remind me to water the plants. And to put the bins out.

Anyway, what was I doing….?

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