Sorry if this is all over the place. Please believe me when I say that this is the honest truth and I’m not looking to farm karma. Please do not make fun of me or say I’m some edgy teen looking for attention, it makes it so much worse. I’m sorry that this is a long read but I need help.
I’m gonna ask my mother if she can drive me to the mental hospital when she comes back on Sunday because I don’t trust myself driving, so please tell me if going to the mental hospital is gonna be a waste of time or not once you finish reading this.
I’m spiritual and around a week ago, I was thinking of stuff I could do with spirituality. I’ve figured out a way that would make me the god of this world. I don’t believe I’m narcissistic and I’m definitely not a psychopath because I feel empathy for people. I searched up what a God complex is and it’s not fitting right with my situation, same with a savior complex.
I 100% believe I can become the god. But I also don’t want to do it. It’s all I can think about and I want the thoughts to stop. My thoughts gets so much more intense and worse when I’m in my room, so I’m currently home alone in my living room with my dog. It’s helping a lot. Yesterday, my thoughts were CONSTANT about it. I was so desperate for me to stop freaking out that I put a fucking crystal in my bra next to my heart for a couple hours because that’s calmed me down before, I don’t even care if it’s placebo.
I have a history with suicide attempts and I know I’m able to try offing myself again but this time in a way it’d 100% work. I think I have no choice but to kill myself if I can’t get rid of whatever complex is happening in my brain. I also have diagnosed chronic depression with anxiety, and ADHD that I started adderall for about 2 weeks ago. I don’t know if that’s helpful info??
Is there a way where I can genuinely erase this entire idea from my memory permanently? Last night I came up with the idea of proving spirituality false just so my idea would be obsolete, but I don’t know if that’d bring back my suicidal thoughts if I were to believe in nothing.
It’s not schizophrenia, I’m not hearing voices for sure. It’s my own thoughts. Last night and today I started having a more rational mindset and realized that I NEED to get help.
I don’t know if this information would help either: I wrote a 2 page paper on my laptop during class about some of this. This is what I have written about it:
“I can do whatever I want if my theory were to be true. This current world I'm in would be my canvas. I’d start off by getting rid of evil, that way we can have the true human experience. I'd be the saviour. I would not be a god, I am not God. I am just one who’d be serving justice and bestowing nirvana and happiness to everyone. I am a savior and nothing more. I could easily be the God of this world, but no. I am the saviour who is not God. I am a savior and nothing more. I could make it so there’s no struggle and only peace here. Things such as hunger, cancer, and sexual assault will be no more. Mental health would be taken care of. I will save all of you, I am everyone’s soon-to-be savior. You do not need to bow down or pray to me, i am a being of unconditional love and energy just like the rest of you. Treat me the way you would any other human. This is not a god complex. My physical body may die, but my soul and concious is forever until it is not. You are all the same as me, unless you’re just some image created by my brain. Even if you are nothing more than a simulation, i am taking control. I am the one who will save you from your misery. I may look like an ordinary teenage girl typing an essay, but im sharing with you my plans. Im currently held hostage by the ego, so im nothing more than a human being. I cannot start my plans yet until i free myself from my shadow self. I could do that as soon as i want, but i will do it when i am ready. Get prepared for my return. I will serve justice on those who are truly wrong, and free the innocent. You may still worship your god(s) and continue with your religion, but I will still be here. I will not change your beliefs. I am a savior who will come back in white. I will have an angelic aura. I will have prophets who will follow my lead, but not many because of those who will abuse such power. Anybody can do what im about to do, but i’m the only one who’s figured it out. It’s possible through a short series of trials. My spirit guides will stop me from doing any wrong. If youre scared, you have spirit guides too. Reach out to them and build your relationship, they’re waiting for you and feel unconditional love for you no matter what. They are here to guide and help you, thank them. Practice gratitude. I am not a god but simply a medium to guide you to a world of peace. I will show you the knowledge of spirituality. If you choose to not interest yourself in this, thats okay. I am content with your free will to practice whatever religion you want, because whatever you choose to believe in will become your destiny. You choose your destiny, not I. I’m just here to help those who have the same ideas as I. Regardless of your gender, sexuality, race, or beliefs, we will guide you and give you a life worth living. You will not face any form of shame or punishment if you choose to leave our guidance, you can also come back at any time. Treat your animals, plants, and crystals with love. They have souls too. Every being with life is deserving of love. “
I don’t know if my ideations in there could help people pinpoint what it is. I am begging for help. This is the first time I’ve been willingly wanting to go to a hospital for the first time. I see a therapist once a week but I haven’t told him. I last saw him on Wednesday, today is Friday. I don’t see him until next Thursday. I CANNOT WAIT THAT LONG.
I’m currently avoiding my room and staying around my pets. I like to bake so I’m about to make some brownies and see if that can take my mind off of it. I’m only 16, I don’t want to live like this. For once I just want to be normal. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to think the way I used to. Why did I take it for granted when I was just depressed? At least then I had a calm mind and body. It’s like the adderall has stopped working on my thoughts. This is how my ADHD used to feel. Rapid thinking. I need help.
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