I don’t know how to be happy


Brace yourselves, this is gonna be a long one.

If you look at my profile there's another post of mine that I wrote a while ago explaining a bit of the situation I'm in right now. I feel like I've never really had a high self esteem to begin with, and it has only worsened through years and years of my life. I think what's making this worse is that everything pretty much hit me right now, at the end of the year, where I'm slowly getting to know each and every one of my emotional problems.

So far I've come to the conclusion that I'm antisocial, I see that in my everyday interactions, I need to be alone most of the time and either in silence (if outside) or by doing whatever inside. I've been alone for like half a year in 2019 and when I just jumped into seeing everyone in my new place of living (like 7 people all at once) I had a mental breakdown on the spot right after I was again left alone. I don't like crying in public with anyone seeing me, I never did, I always preferred to be alone in my weakness times, but now it's different. It's like I just want really badly for someone to just be there for me I guess and let me pretty much bawl my eyes out. But I can't. My mentality won't let me do something like that willingly. I get teary eyed whenever someone as much as hugs me. I think I just miss my mom more than anything now.

My dad's gf (or soon-to-be ex? I don't know honestly) has this weird thing where she accuses everyone around her of wanting to end themselves. Which is not the case here really. I'm not looking for ways to end everything, that's not me. At some points I just feel so hopeless and tired of living that I stop caring. I'm not instantly searching for some remedy, just accept that if anything were to happen I wouldn't mind.

Quite recently I found out I might have the impostor syndrome. So great. Introvert, can't talk to people for dear life, can't find a job and gets rejected everywhere, couldn't be accepted into college, is told all I ever do is "draw those kitties", mind keeps swirling into all of the wrong directions, and now this. At least that's some kind of explanation of how I deal with things. I keep telling myself that I'm never good enough, never worth anything, because what I achieved must've been a lucky guess.

I could be having a great day. Sun is shining, flowers are blossoming kind of day. In 2018 I got a 100% on my english speaking exam of sort and it was raining as hell by the time we were done. So I go home all mighty and proud of myself. At the time it was just me and my dad already, we had a guinea pig. So normally whenever I came home and dad was at work I would pick up some grass for her on my way. But it was pouring outside and I wanted to get her some now and then tell dad to pick up more if the rain stopped a bit. But when he came home I got into a good ol' lil fight with him. I know it's a stupid thing but my dad was always a bit short tempered, I don't blame him for that, I've seen this my whole life. He's a great dad besides that. But this fight made me question if my achievement was even that good really. After all, if he didn't say anything about it then surely I could've done better… right?

This mindset stays with me. Everything I do is not enough for even myself. Whenever I'm happy with something it's only temporarily. Every art I draw becomes flawed. Every sentence I write makes less sense. Is my existence even enough?

I can lie in bed getting ready to sleep when all of the sudden a thought pops into my mind. "I just want to be useful". That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. But suddenly I'm weeping into the pillow and I don't even know why. I'm not sad. I'm not feeling anything of that sort at the moment. But this single thought can make me cry my eyes out. I feel like I'll be happier when I find a job, but what then? Will there be another unrealistic goal after that? Will there never be my own happy ending? I don't know.

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