Hi, throwaway account since i am fairly well known in my country in some circles where drama and gossip is really bad, and i need some advice but don't want this to be traced to me or my ex, as it is very personal, also english is my second language so i apologise for any misspelling.
This is a long story, so buckle up, we all have that person that “got away” may it be our first love when we were teenagers or some really good relationship we messed up, in my case it was a girl I meet about 20 years ago when i was 15 and she was 14, she and I fought all the time but you could tell we were just in denial about liking each other (stupid teenage drama), when we were about 20 she asked me out, we went into a couple of dates were she seemed really interested, we had about 5 dates in 1 and a half months, the last one at that time was a long trip we did to visit a botanical garden and take pictures, it was all going well but suddenly she became realy cold and stopped talking to me, she stayed silent all the way back (it was a 2:30 hours trip in bus), after that date she told me it wasnt working for her and proceeded to block me all over social media (we mainly used Hi5 and msn messenger at that time) and asked me not to contact her, I respected her wishes and moved on, and got on a relationship with another girl a few months later.
About 2 years later she contacted me back in the recently launched Facebook, saying she didn't wanted to lose my friendship, apologizing for what she had done and asking if we could remain friends, I agreed and we remained in inconsistent contact through like 5 years, I was in a committed relationship at the time and did not paid much attention to her other than a few “likes” here and there.
I never married, but my relationship at the time was really stable and we even moved together to an apartment when we had around 6 years together, immediately my relationship with my girlfriend at the time started having issues, we used to only see each other weekends before, and she was a very loving partner in every occasion, but she was a single child that only grew up with her mother, so she was used to be alone and wasn't used to show much affection on a daily basis, I tried to reach out several times to her and tell her that i needed more emotional affection and attention, she would “try” for a few weeks but we will always come back to the same “status quo” some time later, also, her single mother is a devoted catholic who made her grew with really negative ideas about sex and she never really enjoyed it (we were both virgins when we got together, and we didnt had sex until after 3 years of being together), I always had a high libido so it became really akward for me to have to ask her always for sex, and i got rejected 9 out of 10 times, the situation became worst when she got a promotion at her office and she started just coming home and didnt wanted to spend any time with me, she will order takeout (some of the times only for her) and will shut in her room to eat and watch netflix, at this point i had stopped asking her for attention or sex (in our last year together we only had sex about 3 times), but still loved her very much and just blamed the new issues on her new job, as well as the famous “lows” most long relationships go through. Around two and a half years ago i received some comments from a fake profile in an old instagram picture, they stated something like “i am a girl you dated for a while a long time ago, and I have always regretted not taking the chance of having an relationship with you, and how i behaved on that trip we took together”, the moment she mentioned the trip i knew exactly who it was, so i contacted her directly and to tell her i was still in a committed relationship and to ask her what had made her send me that message, she broke down and cried and confessed to always have been in love with me, at that point i rejected her but didn't blocked her or anyway, but since we had started talking again we “reconnected” over our relationship issues and frustrations, she was in a relationship with a guy who used to be her best friend, (she implied the guy was emotionally and psychologically abusive and really bad in the bed), eventually after a few months conversations became romantic in nature and we decided to leave our current partners to give us a chance together, so we did and started a new relationship a few weeks after I broke things off with my then almost 10 year girlfriend (there was no cheating, we only saw each other once before we started dating and it was in an social event).
The relationship was great, the only issue we had was about 4 months after we started dating, she was angry i didn't updated my facebook status to be in a relationship with her (i had only hidden my marital state) and told she felt like i had her “hidden” from the world, as if i was ashamed of her, i explained to her i just wanted to give some time before i gave the social world the impression i had jumped in another relationship, as i wanted as little drama as possible around us, she seem to understood at the time, and we were great together, we had great emotional and physical chemistry, would gush constantly about each other, and couldn't keep out hands off the other’s body, to the point where i can say these last two years i have been happier and felt more well taken care off than on all those 10 years with my previous girlfriend, we didn't lived together, but she would spend between 3-4 days a week in my apartment, i vene gave her a room for herself to use as an office.
Once we were talking about our mental health and she mentioned she “used to be” a hypochondriac but isn't anymore, but when the pandemic started she started behaving a little extreme in regards of the cleaning and the prevention protocols, we talking about drenching everything we received from outside sources in rubbing alcohol, meeting anyone “not in our bubble” using an industrial-level mask and plastic face cover, and changing her shoes and most clothes at the entrance of our home, I am a diabetic, so i stayed mostly indoors, i only went outside the apartment about 3 times from the start of the pandemic, i even gave up on visiting my mom and my nieces (something i loved to do), i wasn't as extreme with protocols as her, but still followed most of the recommendations, i wore a mask when i went out, and kept social distancing with outside people, however i made a few mishaps through the months, i didn't wore a mask when picking up ubereats packages, once i stored some frozen goods she had bought without sterilizing them first, and “talked too close to my landlord”, my gf did mentioned these issues once and i tried to adapt to her requests, but she did only as a “passing comment” so i didn't took them that seriously.
Around the end of october she got a really bad ear infection, she tried to “hang on” by taking some medicine but after a week it came to the point where she could not even eat well because her infected ear made half her face hurt, i had to really fight to convince her to go to the doctor, but she finally agreed, i decided to accompany her, the day of the appointment she told me she had took all the masks from the apartment the her house to wash them, and told me i could request one with uber eats, when i was about to ask for it, i started thinking “i don't know if the uber eats guy is going to throw the mask in his backpack, were god’s know how many packages have been also, and if he picks up the mask from a store i don't know how many people have manipulated the mask, or even if its seal is broken”, there is a drugstore two blocks outside my home, so i decided it was safer over all to just walk there and buy the mask directly, if i happen to run across someone on my sidewalk, i just crossed the street, before we got any close (i only had to do this once before i got to the drugstore and got my mask).
When i got to the hospital everything was fine, she was a champ with the shots, but when we were getting close to her car (i took an uber there) she mentioned her sister had accompanied her but decided to stay in the car, I thought – well that's kinda weird – but did not mentioned anything, we got in the car but i noticed her sister was angry, we went to their house (they still live with their parents) to drop her sister off and we came back together to my apartment. Two days later i saw my GF lock herself in the bathroom to cry, when i asked her what happened she said her sister had yelled at her because “Her boyfriend is a an irresponsible idiot that went inside a hospital with a mask but without a plastic face cover, that if i had gotten the virus i would spread it to her and her family and that if their parents died it was the same as if i had murdered them”, i tried to comfort her and explain to her her sister was being unreasonable (she is supposed to be an active hypochondriac, to the point my girlfriend had to take her several times to the hospital in the past and pay really expensive test just because her sister “felt she was getting x disease”), she calmed down and everything was supposed to be ok at the time.
My girlfriend had asked me for a photoset for halloween, since the ear infection situation it had gotten postponed, but i wanted to look good (not seeing your barber in 8 months would really mess you hair and beard), so i contacted my usual barber and asked her what protocols she had implemented since the start of the pandemic, she told me only one client got serviced at a time, temperature was taking to everyone that came into the beauty parlor, and instruments were disinfected before and after each session, i found all of these reasonable and scheduled a visit the first saturday of november, i let my GF know what i was going to do and she didn't made any comment about it so i proceeded to go to the site that day, i sent her a few pics while i was getting my hair and beard done and she didn't replied, when I was done i stopped at a coffee place to get some food, a few hours later my mom called me to tell me my girlfriend had told her – “That she couldn't trust me anymore, that i was irresponsible, had broken the bubble by removing my mask at the barber shop and by eating out of the house, and that i “had dropped my guard against the virus” – , i tried to call her to talk stuff over and she yelled at my while crying that she couldn't see me for at least a month before she was completely sure if i had got infected or not, also she told me she needed some time to think things about us. I went into a panic mode, but i stayed put for a few days, the next thursday she decided to finally talk with me and then she started telling me about all the “mistakes i had made and how i was putting her and her family in danger, that i didn't respected her or her efforts to keep me safe, and that if i didn't felt the same fear she felt about all this situation she couldn't be with me anymore” i tried to explain to her the precautions i had took when i went outside but she didn't even acknowledge my comments, in the end she told me she was going to need time for herself and to please not contact her back, to which i agreed, she contacted thursday next week to let me know she had contracted a moving company to come here and take all her stuff back from her room, to which i made no objection. The tuesday before thanksgiving she contacted me letting me know she was very worried about me, that she “thinks” i am not taking care of my diabetes issue (which is not completely false, while i did keep a regular eye over my blood sugar levels to be sure they don't raised too much, i haven't been that carefully at the time and it fluctuate a lot), and that if “i went blind i could go crazy”, i promised to her that i would be more careful from now on and asked her directly is she wanted to follow up with the relationship or if she wanted to just leave it there, she confirmed she wanted to continue, even if it required a lot of effort, we talked just fine for a few days until thanksgiving, that day she only replied to a morning text and didn't replied anymore, the next day (friday) i noticed we were no longer friends in facebook, but she kept all our photos together public, and we were still best friends on instagram, i sent her an email telling her it was fine if she needed some space without me (i accept i had become full stalker mode on her social media accounts and kept reacting to all her posts), and that i wouldn't interact with her in social media anymore, she then told me she had “turned off facebook messenger but she hadn't blocked me”, to which i replied with an screen of her facebook main page that showed that we were no longer friends, she didn't replied back. The next tuesday i asked a friend in common if she was ok, as i was really worried about her, a few hours back she sent me a whatsapp voice message saying “you need to get over this, the relationship is done, i am not receiving as a woman what i need, what you did is as bad as cheating, you are loving me wrong, and i hope someday you realize why i am leaving, don't send any of my friends any more messages, you didn't appreciate all the effort i made to keep you safe and healthy, and it really hurts you never put me as your girlfriend in facebook” which is true, but all our social media life was about us, 95% or our posts were stuff we were doing together, so it wasn't like i was “hiding” the relationship anymore, she then proceeded to block me on all social media platforms, just leaving open her email address so i can send her receipts of deposits i made to her account for a loan she had lend me to buy a new PC i still haven't finished paying back (it has about $1000 left).
This all happened on december 02, I started to see two therapist that have helped me a lot (i had really bad anxiety attacks all through november), and with a lot of introspeccion i finally was able to get out of my “emotional panic state” a few days ago, and finally think clearly, i realize now that i made a lot of mistakes on how i handled the whole situation, i should have never contacted her friends to ask her to help her, i also shouldn't have told her i was planning on asking for her to marry me, and i did some really stupid mistakes, a friend told me when he separated from his wife he opened a tinder account as an “ego boost” and it had helped him a lot, i did the same and talked to a few girls (with absolutely no intention of meeting over, just with the intention of feeling the attention of other women), but i felt so shitty i closed it 3 days later, also, by this point i have been completely alone for almost 2 months, as i right now only live with my cat.
I closed all my social media accounts after she sent me the last message, but a friend is still unblocked and it seems she is constantly posting stuff about “not staying in relationships with people that dont appreciate it as you need or give as much as you give them”, but she also sometimes post stuff like “deleting pictures of my past relationships, i loved as much as i could because that's how i am happy” just to delete the posts a few hours later, i also discovered about a two weeks ago i still have access to a dropbox folder where she shared nudes and lewds with me, i sent her an email letting her know and asking her to remove my access, but she still hasn't done so. At this point I am working on myself and on moving on from all this mess, therapy has helped a lot but i still miss her very very much, and want to be with her, my question is: How much time should i wait before trying to contact her back, should i even try to contact her back, is it normal for a person who “used to be a hypochondriac” to just relapsed into this unstable behavior, and are her actions consistent with a panic attack? Both therapists state she most likely will try to get back together once her “panicked state” is over, but should I even consider taking her back, and if i do, what rules and safeguards should i put up so this doesn't happen again in the future? Is it wrong for me to still lover terribly and wanting to go back to her?
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