On the 22nd at around 1 am, I watched my grandmother die right in front of me. I had spent the entire year living with her and helping take care of her on top of nurses and care takers. In February, she was up and walking around her house. She fell, had hip surgery, and her dementia worsened and progressed incredibly fast. She eventually forgot how to walk, feed herself, and do anything for herself. My senior year was cancelled in March due to covid, so I spent most of the year with her. I watched her slowly get worse and deteriorate.
In the end, she was bed ridden and maybe had about ten words in her vocabulary. The day she died, she hardly ate anything and spoke very little, and it was clear to us it was time she was ready to let go. My dad woke me up about 1 am sobbing telling me it was time to say goodbye. She couldn’t speak and her eyes were closed while she struggled to breathe. It broke my heart to watch my dad stroke her hair, hold her hand and tell her how much he loved her in between sobs, when she couldn’t speak back. I watched her take her last breath and sobbed with my dad for a good thirty minutes until the nurses from hospice could get there to declare her dead. (She was on a do not resuscitate order.)
I have spent the last few days with little food or sleep (maybe about three hours average) and I feel exhausted. On top of that, my dad is in such a fragile state that he put me and my sister in charge of some funeral details, which was kind of stressful. Yesterday, on the 28th, we went back to her grave two days after she was buried. Someone had stolen the roses from the spray of flowers on top of her grave. We could see where they cut them off with scissors and left only the green parts and leaves. My dad is assuming someone stole them to sell on the street or give to someone else. The funeral tent was still up and it’s close to the road in a busy town, so they probably saw their opportunity and took it.
I am angry. I am emotionally distressed. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’m not saying I have trauma from watching her die, but I think it’ll take me a little while to get over it. I start my second semester of college in a few weeks and I just don’t know if I can do it. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and I take Prozac. I have never felt so anxious and numb and empty before. I don’t know what to do and I just feel so angry about the flowers. I really hate people.
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