Things going downhill really bad..

I've been thinking about making such a post for a very long time, this is kind of hard for me, to get my thoughts right, im sorry for any bad grammar and typos. Let's start with this i used to be suicidal alot, i think i had no motivation to live back then and i had too much problems to fix too many hard choices, truely it was a hard time back then. For now i ditched this idea for good, I feel like im suffering from severe anxiety, and im in despair, theres a saying in my country that goes like after a thunderstorm beautiful flowers bloom, but its been rainy way too much, im feeling so dull and nothing good is happening, just jumping from a disaster to a disaster, i feel like venting my thoughts here is some what therapeutic, therapists are really bad in my country not a considerable option, family and friends cant help i dont want them to look at me like that, everyone has enough of their problems and their pain, No matter how much people try to motivate me, i'll probably get motivated for a short while then go back to being the old me, I can't but act happy around people because otherwise im afraid they think im doing this for attention or such, When i was young i always had good self confidence, somewhere around in my life this confidence shattered and turned into ashes, Whenever i feel self confidence i tend to remind myself how insignificant i am, i think people are just my friends out of pity, im not an interesting person and no matter how much i tried to change its still the same, online or in real life, people always ignore my existence. always wanted big closeness to other but not everyone feels mutual and it happens to everyone, I want to be strong, i can't anxiety is suffocating me I want to be reliable, i can't I want this i want that, but i dont get this or get that, im just thinking too selfishly, Everything is feeling so dull, i wish i could go to sleep for like a week wake up and feel better… but i either sleep 3-5 hours a day because of me overthinking about problems in my life or 12-14 because i find sleep as a way to escape reality and its really nice.. i could go on forever but thats enough, this was really boring wasnt it, im sorry, thanks for reading.

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