I think there’s something wrong

So typically, my friends would describe me as “sweet” or “fun to hangout with.” I’m the manager’s favorite worker and customers’ favorite bartender, and people love me at dinner parties. But I have a secret. And I really don’t know what to do about it. And I know that it’s so incredibly wrong which is why I think I need help… I’ve hit my boyfriend, and more than once. I don’t know why, I can’t control it. He just makes me so mad and it’s almost just like a reflex. I always, ALWAYS instantly regret it and I think about it every second of every day for weeks. I’ve even delivered him flowers in hope of forgiveness. I know that there is absolutely no justification for my actions and if this were any of my friends, I would no longer be friends with them. I KNOW it’s wrong and it’s so not in my character, but it is.

I can’t afford a therapist, so I am coming to reddit. This is my first post, so bear with me. Do I have anger issues? I just get so mad so easily, but it’s only at him. Never anybody else. I think it’s because we live together, maybe I have gotten too comfortable? Are these my true colors? This is not an everyday thing, btw. It’s only happened a two or three times in our two yr relationship, which is still so so horrible I know.

This last time, we were both on edge and very stressed out because we are in the middle of a move to a new city. He hasn’t been taking this move very seriously at all, so I was a little frustrated and felt like I was doing all of the work (I got the apartment, paid rent and the deposit, got a job, etc) and he still hasn’t even put in his 2 weeks at his current job yet (we move next week). I hate sounding like I’m nagging or pushing, so I’ve been previously subtly hinting at these things like “hey, lets job hunt together” or “I just put in my two weeks” to gently remind him or “do you have any apartments you’re interested in and want to go look at?”

Anyway so one night we started bickering and it quickly escalated to yelling and then it happened. And of course, instant regret. And even though I was frustrated, he 100% did not deserve to be hit by me. How come I know that in my head, but still do it? Nobody deserves abuse, I wouldn’t wish that upon my greatest enemy. So why did I do it? Maybe I have a case of bipolar disorder? Please help me, I really want to get better, but I don’t know how. I’m very desperate.

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