I think I’m a nihilist


I keep falling into really dark nihilistic headspaces where I can't see a base to any value, luxury, blessing or curse, no God, no law of attraction, no religion no karma and that all good and evil is either there or it isn't and that there are born winners and born losers and that you only have one chance to the point where it's like atheism but to a very extreme and surreal level and I feel alienated from all of society and social groups because I don't fit in and I feel like I'm not compatible with any kind of friends or relationships. I've never been able to have a good social life or get a GF because I feel so different than everyone around me as if I'm unique but in a very bad way that is nothing to brag about and I think of things, experience things and see things that other people don't and people take it as like a red flag when I go off on my philosophical tangents and it comes across as crazy but I just think I'm woke in a way but in a bad way. I try to hold onto my spiritual beliefs a lot of the time to keep my sanity but sometimes nihilism creeps up on me and bites me in the ass. I look at plants, trees and other vegetation and can almost feel it's presence and know that it is a living organism but in a different timeline and think that plants network and talk to each other like an organic internet. I also think of things like "I know that fly, spider, bug insect or rodent has eyes but what is it actually seeing from it's own perspective?" I almost try to look through others eyes in a way even though that it is physically impossible but just to try to make a sense of God or a higher power beyond this world but when I don't I can't see a base to anything. I often look at the anatomy of a modern human's life and start to think that humans are a corrupt and evil species that is greedy and over stimulated to the point where everyone is depressed and unhappy even when there is nothing to be depressed about. Millionaires and people with some best quality of life are often just as depressed as people in famine countries and I feel as though the government is far more corrupt than we know it and that there is something very sinister going on with humans and they are turning very gnarly and I don't like what I'm seeing because I feel as though I am seeing bullshit that nobody else sees but as clear as daylight but people are close minded as fuck and just think I'm a conspiracy theorist but I do feel like a misanthrope sometimes which is basically someone with a dislike towards humans because all's they do is blame other humans for everything or if not they blame themselves. "It's my fault" "it's your fault" "it's society's fault" "if it's not yours then who's fault is it" and that is basically the anatomy of a human's life which makes me think that all humans are the same. All women say the same generic stuff all the time and all men say the same generic stuff all the time to the point where I kind of predict what people are going to say sometimes and I kind of feel like I'm not compatible with this world because I think all humans are mass destructionists even the echo friendly ones and that nobody is innocent and I honestly feel disgusted in my own species and get kind of species-disphoria sometimes because I don't feel like a human. I feel like something else and I can see the world burning in the eyes of humans and it's like we're all in a huge self destructive paradox and it pisses me off

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