not able to get diagnosed


disclaimer: sorry for my bad English, it isn't my first language

I'm CONVINCED i have depression or some other mental illness. I'm in no way trying to self diagnose because i know how complicated mental illnesses can be.

I'm 17 year old atm and I've been knowing somethings wrong with me since i was 13/14. idk why, I'm just a normal kid with a normal life.

my household is a bit toxic but it's not that bad, I'm still looking forward to moving out tho. i have very little privacy cause i have to share a room with my 10 year old sister. I'm not complaining, i have a roof over my head. i don't have ANY friends. growing up i was always low key popular but i got bullied for years by kids on my old sports team. back than i didn't realize they were bullying me. i live in a VERY small village and it drives me crazy since i can't drive yet. I'm basically stuck in here, the only opportunity to get to the small city 10kms away is taking the bus. the bus only stops here two-four times a day. I've been living here for 3 years now but it feels like an eternity.

as I've said, i have no friends. i had a friend last year, but we just took different paths in life, we don't really talk anymore. i don't have a boyfriend. i was talking to a guy maybe like a year ago but he ghosted me. I'm still not over him i guess, i loved him too much. even as i kid, i loved to be alone and was always a bit antisocial (i left the playground when other kids wanted to play with me). but now I'm sick of being alone.

I'm a very boring person. i don't drink or smoke. i don't sneak out, i don't do fun stuff. although I'd love tk have some fun, i have nobody to go out with.

my social media accounts were so dry, i couldn't look at them anymore so i deleted every app off my phone (instagram, facebook, twitter, messenger, snapchat, tiktok, literally everything.)

i don't have any trauma (i believe. idk what exactly considers as trauma.). but here are some pretty bad things I've experienced:

when i was 10 my mom got drunk for more days in a row, she fell of the bike (i was there) and when she went out, i called her every 5 minutes because i was panicking. i mean i was just 10 how am i supposed to know how drunk people act.

when i was 11 my dad had to stay in the hospital for weeks. he almost died i think. he wasn't able to get upp and do basic stuff because something happened to his back(?). anyways, we visited my dad at the hospital and when we got home, i saw my dog in the garden running around like crazy. when i got to him i saw that it bit its tail off. i got really scared and i had to climb in the house through the window because my dog was blocking the door. it somehow went crazy (we always treated him right!) and we had to put him down.

growing up, we were poor. i never really noticed it as a kid, because we had a big house. later i noticed my parents were ALWAYS talking about money, bills and stuff. i can still remember we weren't able to buy a lot of different foods so we ate a lot of chicken because it was cheap.

in 2016 (i was 12) my dad had to move to germany because we got so poor he had to get a new job. but we couldn't go with him because he didn't hqve the money to rant a whole house or apartment. My mother was not very kind to me back then. i don't blame her, it must be hard to live without your husband. it was still veryyyyyyy hard for me to get along with her. it went on for this for 2 years which doesn't sound very long but it was. this is the time when i started self harming (i don't do it anymore and i never really hurt myself badly. i just wanted scars, i wanted someone to notice, i wanted help.)

early 2018 we moved to my dads. this country broke my parents. they're always so sad and my heart aches for them because i know they're only doing this for me and my sister. sometimes (maybe like 2-3 times a year) my dad loses it, shouts, cries, slams doors and stuff. it's kinda scary because I've never seen this side of him before I'm always afraid he's going to kill myself or something when this happens. my mom cries a lot, she really misses our hometown and she can't speak this country's language, she can't drive, so she can't work.

for the last 3 years i haven't been doing very well. but the situation only got REALLY bad when covid started. I'm no crybaby, but i cry more often than i did before. I'm not self harming (anymore) tho 🙂 i would still commit suicide if i had the chance. but i won't. i don't want to ruin the family even more. sometimes i really want to scream and stuff but i cant because as i said, i share a room with my little sister.

fuck, i can't even tell why I'm feeling sad and stuff. it actually has no specific reason. i just feel like im a waste of space. i also have extreme mood swings. in one minute i feel like garbage and then a minute later i feel like a goddess.

oh I'm lgbtq and I'm too much of a pussy to come out. i kind of have an internet friend (uh, i had. i deleted all of my social medias) and shes VERY religious so she doesn't accept me and says I'm going to hell. I'm not religious so I'm not afraid of that. I'm still sad she doesn't accept me.

I've never had my first kiss, never held hands with anyone and stuff. I'm only doing the bare minimum. but what even am i supposed to do in a miniature village there's maybe 10 people who are my age.

I'm actually a kind person, i think im low key funny. I'm loyal, decent and stuff. i don't really get it, why does NOBODY like me?

my parents aren't realllllly controlling, they want me to study tho. I'm not complaining although i could easily earn money instead of studying. they don't allow me some things, for example: going vegetarian/vegan. i think they would freak out if i drank alcohol although it's legal (i live in germany). my parents are here for me physically, but not really emotionally. "you can talk to us" – they say. no, i can't, because it always ends up in an argument.

ok, ok my story is getting to an end, y'all don't have to read much more.

the last thing i want to say is: I'm not able to get diagnosed. my parent don't really believe in mental illness, i believe they think everybody who gets therapy is low key crazy. i don't dare to ask them to take me to therapy. i can't go alone, because they would have to sign some papers (since I'm not 18 yet). i really want to get myself checked out. i want help.

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