I’m in pain

I'm not sure how to deal with my situation. I am living with my parents, 19 years old. Ex and I went separate ways.

I filled the void inside with her. I dream about her every other night. It is the most painful experience I have ever had in my life. When I have the dreams there is a profound and all consuming feeling of emptiness.

I am telling myself "I love you" and "I'm proud of you". I'm being kind and patient and loving to myself. I'm building my self esteem.

I spend a lot of time indoors because it's too hot and bright to go outside a significant portion of the day. For that reason I hate the sun and I love overcast weather. It is usually sunny where I live.

Most of the people that I have interacted with throughout my life have sensed a lack of self respect from me, and that has led to estrangement and the breakup.

I am trying to really treat myself with respect and project confidence.

I am extremely scared to see my ex in public. I was at a cvs and for a second I thought that I saw her, cause I saw someone with long blonde hair and my blood ran cold. It was the most horribly visceral feeling I have felt. I know I need to face this fear, the feelings are just very overwhelming at the moment.

The breakup happened two months ago, and I have been self medicating with food, porn, and video games. I am starting the journey to breaking my dependence from these things and becoming financially independent. The thought of my own apartment filled with plants and a cat brings me comfort.

I have tremendous regret when reflecting on my highschool career. I wish I would have made real connections and done extra curriculars.

I have shaved my head because when I'm dealing with depression it is very hard to stay well groomed. I have wanted long hair for my whole life but I have never been able to have it because my dad discouraged it and I never really pulled myself out of depression enough to grow it out and keep it looking decent. One of the things that makes me excited for life is the idea of having long hair someday. It's weird because I am not traditionally masculine. I like to carry myself in a masculine way but I feel like if I had long hair I would pay quite a bit of attention to it.

I have become very fixated on the idea that we all chase pleasure and avoid pain. It has gotten to the point to where the pain of self medicating and wasting away has become worse than the pain caused by the thought of starting to improve my life. I am realizing that this is a pivotal time in my life that will affect the rest of my life. I am wanting so badly to learn a skillset and someday do freelance.

I want to be a provider to someone. I want to be a positive influence in this world that is on a constant downward spiral. The thought of having kids is comforting to me. There are not many people in this world that I care very much about on a personal level. My mother is religious.

I have a very hard time dealing with religious people. Many times their will to live hangs in the balance of their belief in god. I feel bad for them. I have tried to tell my mom not to try to convert me and she doesn't respect it.

I have no connection with my father at all.

I have siblings who are probably the most valuable people in my life to me. We don't interact much at all because my whole family is addicted to technology and we spend almost the entire day in rooms isolated from each other. I have tried to fix this but it's hard because our family is dysfunctional.

I have one friend who I love very much, he cares about me and I care about him. I am incredibly grateful for him and I am incredibly grateful for my brothers.

I have spent the past five years with a near unlimited amount of access to video games, the internet and porn. My threshold for stimulation has been set so high that the thought of going for a walk feels insurmountable at times. I'm trying to detox as of now.

The music that I loved to listen to feels off limits now. Music like Linkin Park, Billie Eilish and Twenty One Pilots are painted with shades or rose from my two years with my ex. This was my favorite music and I haven't listened to it because it is incredibly painful to remember our relationship.

I have used youtube and twitch as a supplement for social interaction due to the quarantine. It is hard because I form parasocial relationships with youtubers and streamers when I just want to interact with someone in the real world.

I miss school so much. I miss seeing people and having a place to be and going into grocery stores, I miss school plays and assemblies. I feel stuck in the past. I see the present as an opportunity for tremendous growth. That being said I am still grieving the relationship and what I see as the waste of my highschool career and it is incredibly painful.

I have realized that the only thing that will save me from the pain is my own will. I need to take things one step at a time. I need to pick up the pieces of myself and put myself back together.

There is a lyric in Crawling by Linkin Park. "This lack of self control I fear is never ending". Chester Bennington suffered from abuse and struggled with addiction to substances. I find tremendous comfort in this line.

I was so addicted to my ex, the high that I felt with her, I was out of control. I landed in a mental hospital twice, I have permanent scars on my shoulder from scratching myself with a key a year ago. I remember I would never cut. I was too afraid to because blood and openings in my body put me on the verge of throwing up. But I would scratch myself.

I was so manic. I was so out of control. I was so unwilling to accept the reality that I needed to be okay as an individual, that I needed to put less pressure on us "working out". I wasn't willing to take the dive, and so the universe pushed me.

But that line gives me comfort. That someone else felt the way that I felt at that time. It makes me feel less alone.

I have never been in more pain in my life than I am now, but I'm looking forward and trying to grow through it. If anyone read this, thank you very much, I appreciate you

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