I like exploring myself and the world and looking for new ways to do stuff. Growth leads to more harmony and balance, less stress and pressure on everything including myself. (Learned to treat my body better and everything started to improve. Tried new things to do and ideas and experiences and felt happier, got smarter and so on.) Basically once I got out of my shell by chance it worked and since then I try to do it whenever I see that I can.
The problem is — I absolutely totally can't get a handle on "spiritual". I feel like a rock in a pot of soup. Everything stews nicely, except me.
Either I feel dull and limited because I lack the ability to visualise and look inwards (example: I tried mefitation, I kept drifting away, I relaxed so hard I kept falling asleep – which is good I guess! 😉 – but).
Or people start talking about amazing stuff like ancient greeks who learned how there is numbers and ratios in everything (like music or plants' shapes, this is beautiful and kinda universal harmony you can discover), and then boom numberology and «your SSN has omens in it» or «your soul weights 9 grans cuz 9 is three times three and 3 is divine». Oh come on, why not oz or sevens? And the 11:11 thing my friend loves so much. Like ancient people had Casio watches. And 11:11pm is 22:22 in mil time which is valid numerically but means different thing, but 22:11 is not? Or is it?
I tried expanding my mind with drugs (high-grade, organically sourced, psaychedelics mostly). It was mostly unpleasant, sonetimes curious and cool, but nothing shifted. Yeah my brain is more complex than I think and can rehash and splice like a DJ. Still the same me after the dose filters out of my blood.
I tried listening to folks on youtube. Some give genuine good ideas and overall chill to look at and some straight up SCAMMING people. Like they give advice, but if someone follows it and fucks up they have zero problems and responsibility. Either you are teacher, you are teaching and you are responsible for "class" or you are a vlog person with a disclaimer and amazon links. Not both.
I am not trying to be super critical. My point is: having bs scams around means there are real ones. You can't have wax apples unless there are real ones. Doesn't look I'll ever become less gronded and basic and pragmatic (what does it improve in the world or me? how? why?). Alright, so be it, what can I do then?
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