I'm female and 21 and I've never gone to a therapist or psychologist.
When I was little I couldn't step foot into a restaurant or cafeteria without throwing up. My family was embarrassed of me and I couldn't help it. I explained to them and the doctor that it was all the smells and food that I saw that caused me to throw up. I couldn't stand it all and the doctor advised me to do multiple things to prevent it (ear rubbing or stomach rubbing, deep breaths, etc.) , but it never worked.
When I started pre-k, I didn't have any friends. I was the "smartest" kid in my class and I was known as "the artist" since apparently my drawing stood out from everyone else. My family knew that I liked to draw and that I was very creative. I would even make up stories and draw them out. Teachers would say that I was super quiet and the best behaved kid, the model student.
In kinder garden I had become so self-conscious out of no where. I always wore my jacket inside because I was worried I looked fat. Even in scorching weather I wore it and I was so obsessive over it that my teacher asked my mom after school about it. I lied and said I was always cold but my mom didn't let me leave to school with it anymore.
Also, growing up, I was very picky with what clothes I wore. I hated blue jeans so much that I would cry if I had to wear them (even to this day I don't like jeans but I put up with it because I have to get over it). My mom ended up dressing me up in sweatpants. When I transferred schools in first grade I cried when I tried on my new uniform. I hated the material of the blouse and I was still very upset about having to wear it.
At the new school it was like nothing changed. The teacher and my class said I was the "smartest, most talented artist, and best behaving student". My classmates kind of alienated me. They said I was "different" and that if I was so talented that I should go to a different school for gifted kids. It made me feel bad that everyone picked on me for liking different things.
I had a huge love for koalas and I liked to draw them often and put pictures of them on my binders and folders and everyone thought I was weird for it. I also couldn't eat in the cafeteria without feeling sick so I had to eat plain toast for lunch and got weird stares for it, too. They knew that if I ate something else I'd throw up.
I had to go to the school nurse a couple times before because I kept throwing up and the nurse thought I was doing it on purpose. She told me to stop forcing myself to throw up to avoid going to school and then tried to guilt trip me by saying it's against the law if I don't attend. I wanted to cry because everyone, including the nurse and my doctor, thought I was either a liar or a weirdo or even both even though I had no idea what was going on myself.
I should also mention I have synesthesia-like traits. I personify numbers with colors, gender, age, and personality. That's why I excelled in math in school. For the alphabet I only assigned them gender and colors. I had a hard time learning how to read and couldn't read a sentence on my own until I was seven. I also had trouble learning my colors when I was even younger. I also have a keen memory and I imagine my stages in life in physical locations around me. It's hard to explain, but that's the best I can describe it as.
Currently, I still have trouble making friends. I have basically no one I talk to except two people from school and I speak to them rarely (once every few weeks or once every few months). I don't experience second hand embarrassment and I hate going out in public because people are either too loud or make me feel anxious. I can eat at restaurants but sometimes I have to calm down and drink water to avoid feeling sick. I can't tell when it's my turn to talk on the phone and I even forget to say hello when answering. Sometimes my family say I'm being rude and I can't tell if I'm causing a scene or not.
If you've read through everything, thank you! I don't know what to do or where to turn to. I'm not sure it's worth it going to see a professional and make an appointment. I just want another person's input. Thanks again and I hope you're doing well!
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