TLDR: 19F understanding myself and life
I have been feeling like a geyser. A hole in the ground that seems to be bursting with all these positive emotions. Sometimes, I will wake up in the morning and just feel like a glass freshly squeezed lemonade, full of life and ready to take on the world. I've been experiencing more love and gratuity towards myself, family, friends, plants, animals, even the roaches that seem so disgusting and make my skin crawl. I just love life. Granted, there will be days where I feel like a mess and that I need to understand myself more. There are days when I feel confident and realize and tap into the potential I harbor as a divine being. There are days where I feel so insecure about myself and my capabilities, and feel as if I am withering away. Constantly comparing myself to others. There are days when I am snappy to my brothers or my parents and am filled with remorse. There are days when my negative attributes slip out (being judgemental, inflated ego, and all the bad stuff) when I try to change that through self-reflection. There are days when I slip into my bad eating habits that do not nurture my body. I have been trying to figure out how I can become more connected to myself spiritually, sexually, mentally, and emotionally, Still trying to understand religion and spirituality and where I should plant my beliefs. I feel like a never-ending rollercoaster. Growth is freaking hard. It is not sunshine and daffodils. Memories of my old self filled with negativity come back or analyze something I said or did and realize that it is just a reflection of my internal struggles. Sometimes I want to crawl into a hole and cry. Why was I ever like that? Growth is looking at yourself and making yourself accountable. Stop blaming everything else and start looking at what is within your control that you can change. Feeling empathy for my parents because they are wonderful human beings who had a harsh background and their inner child was wounded. Experiencing anger for children who will never experience love and a warm home. Children who fell victim to abuse, pedophiles, and corruptive cults. The joy of hearing a baby or toddler laughing and being innocent. All these emotions are just hitting me all at once and I don't know how to sort them out. How can life make me so joyful but extremely sad at the same time? Why am I experiencing apathy and empathy at the same time? What is going on with me? I am just trying to figure out life lmao. I don't know where I am going with this post, I just got on my computer and started typing. If you got this far, thanks for reading.
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