My story so far… I want to be me


My mom (40's f) was a tomboy, she had 5 brothers & 1 sister. Ever since I (21 cis female) was little, she's shoved me into jeans & a t-shirt with a hoodie. My little sister (17f) is a natural tomboy & doesn't care about clothes, but I do. Everything I own has to be practical, made to last several years, and cover my entire body (Catholic upbringing so there was a dress code at home). I wasn't allowed to shave my legs or wear makeup until I was 17. My first big purchase was my prom dress, a ball gown that I paid for myself. I've still never been to a gynecologist. (Although I will have to go soon because of a personal issue)

When I was 18 I moved in with my maternal grandparents to go to university, I stayed with them for 2 years. I was suddenly on my own going shopping & I loved it. I started slowly buying dresses & nice tops to replace my old clothes (some old clothes were 5+ years old and still in good condition, my clothes were never ratty, but it was time to let them go). What I bought was never revealing or short, but it was a mix of girly & professional clothes. I was finally looking outside like I felt inside.

Well everything soon came crashing down because my dad got transferred about 20 min from my university. Because of some drama with my aunt, and to avoid causing problems for my grandparents if I stayed with them, I ended up moving back in with my parents during lockdown after they got their house. I've been here a year now, it sucks.

I can't wear what I want, so I'm back to hoodies and jeans. I can't wear makeup that's not neutral toned. I don't have a driver's license, so I can't go anywhere by myself, and everything I do ends up being wrong in their eyes. I can't close my door for any reason, I can't watch certain shows on Netflix (even though I'm 21), and I can't say anything because apparently breathing is giving them attitude.

What broke me today was when I used a body spray today that my paternal grandmother got me last Christmas. It wasn't my first time using it since I got it, it was marshmallow scented. It wears off after about 15 minutes, terrible quality, but I like it. My mom saw the bottle today & blew up at me. She started screaming about her allergies & how my grandma doesn't believe allergies exist unless you can die from coming in contact with the substance. (My mom is not allergic to this perfume, I have worn it before around her & she never displayed signs of being allergic. I know she has allergies to certain flowers & tree pollens, but I would have gotten rid of the spray if her allergies acted up). She then took it from me & declared that if I wanted to wear scented products I could move out. (To be clear she's not kicking me out, she's just trying to make a point that she has control over the situation.) I'm tired of being treated like a five year old.

My internship for the summer has been postponed because of complications on their end, so I have no way to support myself. I have no control over any aspect of my life & I have one year left before I finish my degree. Moving back to my grandparents house is not an option. This summer is going to be torture. I want to go back to being me, sorry this was so long.

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