I don’t know what it feels like to be normal

I'm 19 and I realized I don't know what it feels like to be a normal person.

These are some examples. I left out a lot.

Physical abuse: Since I was 6, my mother used to slap the shit out of me and cane me for the simplest of things like not getting a math question correct guess what I am still a D student in college so that didn't help.

When I was about 8 one time when we were overseas she left to get something and the luggage fell over for some reason she got bat shit crazy and laid the beat down on me and slapped the shit out of me. I was defenseless.

On my 10th birthday, I got beat with a cane for not getting a math question right and I still remember she said "Just because it's your birthday don't think you're special". She's right and so, I have never gotten happy for anyone's birthday ever since. At least my aunt got me ODST that day.

I think at 14, I got so tired of it I pulled a chopper from the kitchen and fucked up a kitchen counter top. Not sure what material it was but it was maybe a faux marble counter top. Then threatened my mom that if she ever beats me again she's dead. That did it and I was never beat up again by her. Btw she "found god" after that. I got slapped around and beat up so much by my mother that I am convinced I have some sort of head injury. My balance is really off and I have a hard time at school.

Mental abuse: I think I was 11 I got into playing League and I was "coached" by my really vulgar older brother who was considerably older than me and I think I was doing fine in the game it's just I wasn't high tier I mean I was freaking 11. He kept calling me an idiot and such and that was how I was coached for 3-4 more years before we had a falling out where I literally pulled a knife on him.

I was always made fun of in school because I was not into any sports teams I joined an environmental club at the time because I was genuinely interested in farming and plants. But I was mocked at so much by my classmates I stopped attending. I also suddenly got really overweight at 14 because of a bad influence by my obese brother. And got made fun for that. I have flat feet and bad stamina no matter how hard I trained I was never able to run as fast or as far as the others. Got made fun of for it. Oh and I'm short.

Romantic relationships: I'm 19 and I have never got a girlfriend, and it isn't because I never asked anyone out either I also don't think I'm a bad guy. I know there is tinder and stuff but that's not my preference.

The first time I asked someone out was when I was 12. Lets call her A. I was really attracted to A, she was bubbly and cute a stark contrast to my already dark life and she thought she was ugly so I asked her out. She rejected me and I was okay with it but in the coming years she would tell everyone : "no one ever asks me out". I am nobody apparently. Then she blatantly flirts with all my close guy friends while literally ignoring me. I would eventually ask girl A out again at 16 to no avail.

Girl B, I got rejected again by her and she went ahead to date a parkour buddy of mine.

Girl C, this one was a month ago. went on a date, didn't work out. Said we should stay friends but I can tell she doesn't like me now when I am friendly to her.

Platonic relationships: Somehow, I always had quite a lot friends thanks to my friendly nature I guess. I was really funny. Maybe because of the sad clown paradox. However, I wasn't ever able to really connect with people. Real shame. I was so lonely. Nobody would invite me out. It felt like they knew I had issues and stayed away from me.

Self harm: I didn't know these were acts of self harm till very recently but here we go. At 12, I got really into parkour. Everytime I jumped from a high place and rolled I got a really huge dose of adrenaline that made me feel good. I was chugging red bull to increase the feeling of my heart almost bursting out of my chest. It was the only sport I was kinda good in because I was really strong and had good coordination. But over the 4 or so years I practiced on concrete unsupervised I started really injuring myself. Limping to school at least twice a week, rib issue that caused me not to breathe fully for a month+ and bruises all over. I also hit my head a lot.

I also had a real anger problem due to my circumstances at home and I felt some of what we are forced to do in school was useless. I punched a lot of shit. A lot of concrete walls, trees and one time I broke a painting which caused shards to go into my skin. My fists hurt constantly for 2+ years after I stopped. Possible nerve injury but it's okay now. Never hurt anyone because I know what it feels like to be hurt by another human and couldn't bear to inflict that on someone.

It feels like to me I've never been a normal kid. I'm always slightly fucked up in some way or something that caused my whole childhood to be wasted. It was hell growing up. I had to pull weapons on 2 of my family members. I was prepared to kill.

I might have written some of these on this account before I swear I'm not doing this for attention I just can't get it out of my head and am wondering if others experienced something similar. I checked myself in to a mental health professional. Had 1 session so far.

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