Hi. I just posted a garbage post just wailing like a baby because emotions are a weakness of mine. I deleted it because I don't know what I should do. I have schizoaffective disorder and life is really strange sometimes. Like right now. It feels like God is manipulating me to drive me crazy. That's the most rational I can get.
Meanwhile, my emotions tell me I am just a complete failure who can't do anything right. The synchronicities really helped hit that home. I thought I was actualizing my full potential to do good; to use my unique story and talents to raise the vibrations of the garden we all share. Turns out I was being misled by Satan. I don't want fame, but I want to be effective. Surely helping two people is better than helping one? But, obviously I can't use my own judgement as I'm a total idiot.
At least I'm wholesome now! Hehe…see I had this God-given idea to get good educational content about stuff like spirituality, philosophy, and mental health to the people that need it most by using a toolbox of techniques. The most effective has been to troll at atomic levels with shock and awe jokes and in-character antics. Nope! No more! God didn't directly tell me, but I'm piecing together how that was going to blow up in my face. Now I'm trying to…do you think I know anymore? I'm writing this for therapeutic reasons and I'm at a loss of whether I should share it or not.
Dingus doofus has got no answers. I'm trying to be a good person, but its a confusing world. God, why can't you make it less confusing? And let's maybe figure out a solution for how to prevent fringe elements of the culture from falling off the path to begin with. I don't know. I'm just trying to piece together what's the right thing to do but I'm terminally retarded and don't have any knowledge.
Act from the heart, my own wisdom says. Well, if I were to try to be the beacon of light I know I am capable of being, then my industrial messianic hands would do a billion good works a second. That may be hyperbole, but for real I was cruising at thirty thousand feet going Mach one towards dishing awakening propaganda out like a French restaurant serves frogs legs…shut up I'm emotional and can't think well about quality absurdism humor.
I was seeing the effect of my hard work. Instead of being a failure, I was succeeding. People were learning. A tidbit here, a new insight there. And I was doing it doing something I loved: writing stream of consciousness reflections of my crazy crazy. And, once again, I realized my insanity far too late. I would say all my work was for nothing, but I learned a lot and all that shitposting helped improve my voice. Wait…wait something's going on upstairs…
Oh this is cool. See, I was getting down on myself because I was getting all wrapped up in the disappointing idea that I would have to censor my authentic expressions, but in reality, I've been reborn. I'm actualizing the nonself and being like water; able to conform to any vessel. I don't need those ludicrous ideas to maximize attention and get a billion people to awaken. I can be human. I can be a better version of myself every day. I can just be.
Still, methinks a point God was trying to make was to spend less time on this site which as become pretty much my only hobby as I treat it like work. But, this is also how I counteract my destitute sadness of being a polar bear in an African desert. That's silly speak for me saying I don't fit in to society at all. We're talking turbo-charged levels of inept awkwardness. Never know what I'm supposed to do in any situation. So, by cranking out posts and comments, I replace my need to socialize by probably only interacting with an army of bots at the NSA, because let's be real, I made myself a questionable character with my unspecified shenanigans.
And it's ok, because I'm proving I'm dedicated to improving every day. I feel better now. No more maelstrom inside me. Not perfect, but I accept being imperfect. Thanks for listening.
Now we play the fun game of "is God going to intentionally trigger me in a brazen act of behavioral modification therapy?" Place your bets now or forever hold your peace…
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