I genuinely don't care about anything if it doesn't help other people. I see this as a good thing, but it's presenting some difficulties and drawbacks.
When I share developments in my projects that I'm doing to help others, such as setting up a community garden and meditation space in my yard for others, nobody cares as much as I do. I can't tell if I'm just around the wrong people, or what. Is the problem that I'm setting expectations on how others respond to my accomplishments? I know I shouldn't care. I should just be doing this to do it, not because I need external validation.
So why can't I? And how do I self validate when, for example, I could care less if I have my own garden and meditation space in my yard, and when the entire purpose of what I'm doing is giving back to my community? Maybe that isn't totally true, I want my own veggies and space to be peaceful outside in. I also want to learn to build spaces like this so I can travel and help others build them for themselves. Overall, it feels strange. No, the point of helping others is not and should never be self-validation. But I'm not sure I'm capable of receiving validation from anything else, since I wholeheartedly believe that "if you're not using your free time to help others, you're wasting that time."
Am I recognizing that my motivation is selfish? How do I fix this? Do I stop doing it or learn to do it for me? How? Should my motivation never be to share things with others if I care about the outcome? Is it bad to be fearful that I'm doing this for nothing because of how little recognition I'm getting for my efforts? I don't want to be selfish, I don't want to tie my personal needs into the things I do for others. Am I projecting my fear and lack onto my potential? Do I need to just stick with it regardless of whether anyone cares and have faith whatever is meant to come from it will come?
How do I separate service and validation? How do I fix this? How do I not care that I'm putting back breaking labor into something that only I may enjoy, when if it was about what only I enjoyed, I may not be doing it the same way? Personally, I just want to help people, more than anything in the world. That's all I want. I'd rather starve if it meant others ate. Why do I have to want to enjoy something for myself in order to do it for others? Why is it bad for me to love to serve others regardless of whether I enjoy the process?
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